Even when things seem so alien, it doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist.
When I was younger, I was messing about in my room, just playing with my fantasy and surroundings as any young child would do. As it was summers flies have always been a problem with opening a window. As this was a particularly warm day I had opened up my window and loke and behold, one had descended into my living space.
At first I did not mind it’s presence, as I never really mind the presence of anything that does not bother me. I understood that a consequence of opening a window would bring the chance of a fly entering my room, which I had accepted. Though after approximately an hour of flying around the room and cleansing itself with its little footsies while seated on my walls or curtains it took particular interest in me.
It started flying towards me as I was playing and landed on my arm. I took no ill intent of it as I was fascinated by its choice to land on me. And as it walked over my arm using its mouth to suck and lick onto my skin, I observed its wings, the sensation of little legs walking up and down my arm and the sucking that its little trunk did. I noticed the colours on its thorax and shell like body, the little hairs growing out of its body and the compound eyes, that seemed like a perfectly crafted dome as I wondered and imagined how a fly must see and feel its existence.
I must have spent two to three hours with the fly perched on my arm wondering its existence. After that it seemed fully rested, it flew off and I continued to maintain my old habit of folding into my world with my toys. As time continued and the fly got bored of simply discovering my room it started to course around me once more, but more than just simply flying about, it started to buzz around my head, which I didn’t find pleasant.
it continued to do so for many minutes as I tried to ignore it, and as it did it started flying towards my head, trying to land on my face or ears, which truly started to annoy me. After many times of politely asking it to leave me be and if it were bored it should leave my room from whence it came, it did not oblige to my reasoning. It continued to fly full conviction towards my face, determent to land and plant its little footsies on my head. After many more failed attempts, I started waving about, clearly showing my discontent of its actions but then it started challenging me. Being more and more aggressive with its advances, by sneaking onto nearby walls waiting till I turned towards it and flying full force, target face. This annoyed me to the point that I observed its trajectory and when I figured out the pattern and while it was lurking to initiate another attack, I advanced.
I smashed its body, making a great stain on the white walls. As I removed my hand, I saw something tiny and red bounce around, something which up to this day I have no knowledge of what exactly I saw. And even though I was fascinated of the red, I understood that I had murdered. I lost my temper and had robed something of its life. Which really made me feel bad. I can’t say I haven’t thought about death, pain and murder as a child, nor was it the first time I killed something at that point. I had inflicted a lot of pain to other children and I understood that what I eat was killed.
But it was the realization that I had murdered a fly, simply because of irritation is what was upsetting me. I knew well enough that there were other means of disposing it that didn’t have to relate to murder. But as I went through my mind back and forth I understood more than ever the true reason why I did not. It was because I was lazy. Because catching a fly and releasing it would have been too much of a hassle for me to go through instead of just smashing it against a wall and being relieved of it presence. It was because I lacked the respect of what he was to what I was. And that was what was most upsetting to me. I understood that even I made the simplest of mistakes just by being irritated and using that as a guise to cloak myself in innocence and take the easy way out.
After that I had many times asken for forgiveness, making him a little burial place and reminding myself of it every time I watched the wall. It has thought me a lot and I thank him for everything it has learned me. But it took me many years to get over the guilt I felt. It was not that I didn’t kill again in that time up till present day, but it was how I understood my mistakes more deeply. And considering now I have gained all knowledge I could have gotten from that experience that I no longer want to bother him with the memories of me killing him and the guilt that I felt over it, but remember him in a fond way of how I found it truly a magnificent creature and how I enjoyed his presence around me. even if it took me over a decade to realize that. Thank you for everything.
Considering everyone sometimes does something stupid, we often forget to ask forgiveness. Even if it’s asking forgiveness from others or from ourselves. Either it being because we no longer can ask others for forgiveness or we don’t want/dare to.
The point of healing ourselves is not only to forgive others and ask for forgiveness from other but ourselves as well, so I decided I’ll do a confession of things I truly am sorry for from time to time. Some of these may seem weird or unimportant, but to me they are things I ask forgiveness for.
The reason why I’m sharing these with you is because no matter how small or insignificant our problems or mistakes are, sometimes we can carry them a long way and them being the reason we slow ourselves down. I also want people to ask for forgiveness when they feel remorse, even if it’s not a vocal manifestation to another person. I want people to remind themselves that every mistake can be forgiven and already has been forgiven in the way of the world the moment we better ourselves and have asken forgiveness.
Unfortunately this does not always apply to the person we ask forgiveness from, but this is something we have no control over. They, just as you, control their own life and decisions. And if they choose to carry their anger with them even after you have properly asken for forgiveness, sadly this is their choice that you must respect, but you have already been forgiven. This is why forgiving is also important in life, and why we must forgive others to remain healthy.
Is it weird that I hate going to musea with other people?
It’s not that I don’t enjoy the company, but I just love looking at artwork/artifacts without having to be considered of my company. If I choose to look at an artifact for over an hour, I shouldn’t feel pressured to only look for 5 minutes before advancing to the next display just because other people don’t find it as fascinating as I do.
Consider my consideration of my consorts to be my choice of not inviting you with me the very first time I visit a new museum.
All pain can lead to something beautiful with the right attitude.